THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM

Director: Some fat English bastard.
Starring: Editor Christopher Rouse, Matt Damon (sort of)

Well, it's a watershed moment for my little reviews, ladies and gentlemen. For the first time I am going to completely pan an immensely popular flick. The Bourne Ultimatum has a 94% Fresh rating from Rottentomatoes.com. I hated this film. Hated, hated, hated it. Oh, there have been other times I disagreed with the norm (I'd be a completely awful reviewer if I did nothing but agree with the consensus). For instance, I had serious misgivings about Fight Club, but in the end I still thought it was a 'good' movie. I thought aspects of it were horrible, while others were quite good. Okay, in a way I feel similarly about this film. It's just that the "parts" I hate in Ultimatum were so huge, so overwhelming, that I've rarely been more unhappy watching a movie.

In my review of The Bourne Supremacy I noted how much distaste I had for the choppy, quick-cut, no story, no sense, pure-action style Greengrass displayed in that film. I also noted that the film still had much to recommend. In this film I feel the same. We have moderately good acting (David Stathairn, Joan Allen, and Damon), although truth be told the actors don't really do any acting in this film. The are simply moving robots for Greengrass' style. There is no story here. There is no character here. At most there are 50 lines of dialog in the entire film. There are only pieces moving, jumping and jerking.

Okay, I'll bet you're getting the impression that I'm not happy with Greengrass in this film. I'll tell you why. I found the picture to be unwatchable. I don't mean bad, per se. I mean physically unwatchable. There (quite literally) was not a single shot in this movie that lasted over 3 seconds, and most were a second or under. This is not an exaggeration in any way. This is a literal description of Greengrass' style. There were over 10 times during the movie where I had to look away from the screen and close my eyes because the hyperactivity on screen was giving me eyestrain and a headache.

As an example of the awfulness, 2 characters site down to breakfast for 45 seconds (at the most). There were 20 cuts ladies and gentlemen. First we zoomed down to a closeup of the orange juice, and then back to Joan Allen's jawline, and then from above, and then from the perspective of the spoon on the table, and then rotating the room. I will go so far as to say that Greengrass choice was retarded. I can imagine no possible way to distance us further from the characters and story than this constant herking and jerking of the camera. My girlfriend swore to never watch another Greengrass movie again.

For my part, I swear to never watch another Greengrass movie again ... in the theater. I found Bloody Sunday and United 93 to translate much better to the tiny TV screen than to the big screen. And both of those films were also jittery and uncomfortable to watch for me at the cinema. But let me talk about scale here folks. Those movies were annoyingly jerky. This film is like some form of CIA psychological torture.

Because of this, I hated it. I hate Greengrass for doing it. You owe me $10, you fat, stringy-haired limey.

Standouts: A decent hyperactive bit of action. A few fun action moments.
Blowouts: The direction. Imagine Yoko Ono directing a spy film. There are people that consider Ono an artist (okay, a handful of people ...). Her screeching "songs" are quite similar to Greengrass' attempt at a movie.

Grade: D

THE MALTESE FALCON

Director: John Huston (He's done a thing or two over the years)

Starring: Humphrey Bogart, Mary Astor, Peter Lorre, Sydney Greenstreet



One of our local stage theaters here in sunny Cleveland, Ohio runs a series of older movies in the summer months. As far as I'm concerned it's just about the perfect environment for a film. First off, they're generally good films, but it doesn't hurt a bit that they're in a beautiful old auditorium aptly called "The Palace". Chandeliers and a massive balcony, 3000 seats, but only a hundred or so patrons perched in the best ones (orchestra center) watching a classic. Yep, this is what's great about movies. There's clapping at the end and laughter at all the right spots, no one's cell phone rang. Maybe this makes me a cinema elitest, but I was in film heaven.



Anyhow, our film that fine evening was the classic Huston film noir, The Maltese Falcon. If you're too young to know Huston (Heck, I only caught the very tail end of his career), think masculine, thinking-man classics. Think The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The African Queen, The Asphalt Jungle. Think Key Largo, The Maltese Falcon, The Man Who Would be King, Prizzi's Honor. Think of his astounding performance in Chinatown. There aren't a lot of figures more larger than life in the history of Hollywood, and The Maltese Falcon is what put that supersized figure on the map. The Falcon is, in fact, often considered the genesis of Film Noir, and one of the "greatest", most influencial films of all time. After seeing it on the big screen, I think I'll go along with that criticism ...



What is the Maltese Falcon? Well, like the famous ending line of Boggie: It's "the stuff that dreams are made of" (a phrase adapted from Shakespeare ... the Tempest, I think)

THE SIMPSONS MOVIE

Director: David Silverman (Monsters Inc)
Starring: The voices of the Simpsons (Castellaneta, Kavner, etc, etc)

The opening scene of The Simpsons Movie shows Homer and family at the local theater watching the Itchy and Scratchy Movie. Homer stands up looks at the camera and says "All of you are suckers, paying money for something you could have seen for free at home". It's funny, but it's also true.

The Simpson's Movie will probably be remembered as a fine episode of their adventures, but there's nothing particularly special about this episode. It's nowhere near to the best Simpsons work, but neither is it the worst. What surprises me most was that I didn't find much to distinguish it as a 90 minute film versus the standard 20 minute TV show. Yes, the Simpsons family edges closer to breaking up than they ever have before, but I really didn't like that aspect to the story. The Simpsons are joyous because they struggle through their problems with love in their hearts. In the film, their troubles felt a little too real at times. You might think I'm crazy for saying that once I describe the plot, but I'm not talking about their plot struggles. I'm just talking about their marital troubles. It kind of hurt to see Marge leave Homer. Whoops, did I just let the cat out of the bag? Sorry.

So, uh, plot. Where to begin? In a nutshell Homers unloads a silo full of pig feces into Lake Springfield rendering it so polluted that the EPA decides to enclose Springfield in a giant plastic dome. They escape to Alaska (for some reason), break up as a family, and then in a big finale Homer saves the day.

The best of the Simpsons is usually in the hilarious moments - the funny phrases and quick non-sequitor jokes. Of course the best of the Simpsons hasn't been seen in quite a few years. This film certainly has its funny moments. Homer holding a pig to the ceiling singing "Spider Pig, Spider Pig ..."? Yep, funny. But the humor is not so much better than the episodes these days to be noteworthy.

In the end, I'm assuming you are a Simpsons fan. Because if you aren't, you won't like this movie. If you are, you probably will. That's all it comes down to. The Simpsons is at times hilarious satire, at others just hilarious. It always maintains its heartful sense of family. If you like that, great. If not, stay away because this film is not trying to reach a new audience. It's just selling tickets to an audience it already has, and has had for 20 years now.

Standouts: Funny, cute, at times heartfelt.
Blowouts: Nowhere near the level of the Simpsons best work.

Grade: B

ONCE

Director: John Carney (a handful of low budget flicks with Cilian Murphy)

Starring: Glan Hansard, Marketa Irglova

Once is one of those indy films where you really appreciate the lengths that the writers and director go to make the film interesting despite its "limited" budget. Yes, this is a cheap film. Okay, great. I think many will agree that low budgets can force filmmakers to be creative. Instead of beatiful (expensive) things on screen, they're forced to creatively look at cheap things, in cheap places, doing cheap things. Interesting dialog and a good story can be very cheap. Maybe even free. They're also rare, but you get the point.

Once is a cute story, albeit cheap, and it is fairly interesting. Like nearly every other indy film with this small a budget, however, it's destined for a very small audience. It is unique, however. It's a "musical" about poor musicians. Unlike your standard American musical these people do not break into song in the middle of dinner. They just occasionally sit down and play a song on their instruments ... because they're musicians. It's what they do. The music is rather so-so (in my personal opinion), but it is heartfelt.

Glen Hansard is a nameless street musician, who meets a young Czech woman. She plays piano. He is a guitar-playing "singer-songwriter". They sort of fall for each other, but he's hung up on another girl, and she's separated from her husband. They meet, they hang out, they sing songs. Then in the big finale they record some demo tracks at a rented studio. That's it. Nope, not much happens in this story arc.

I couldn't help but think about some of my younger days on seeing this movie. The lack of money, the heartfelt expressions, the intensity of feeling, and the wandering minds and souls. It's a sweet little reflection of those sorts of days. Youth and inexperience and limitless potential. You can spend a whole night writing songs, or maybe you'll become famous, or maybe you'll just meet someone new. It's hard not to smile when you think about times like that, and it's hard not to smile while watching this movie. But the truth told, I won't think about this film long. It's a sweet little reflection, but soon enough I'll want to get back to the nitty gritty.

Standouts: A small, sweet, creative film with integrity ...
Blowouts: ... but truth be told it's not really all that engaging.

Grade: B