TRANSFORMERS

Director: Michael Bay (Masterpieces like Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, and The Island)

Starring: Shia LeBoeuf, Megan Fox, Adolescent Boy Dreams

Michael Bay, I hate you. I don't know you of course, so that irrational hatred is probably way off base. For all I know you might be a loving father of adopted war orphans who spends 3 months every year digging wells for villagers in Mali. So you know, if you are, I apologize. I take back all of my insults thrown your way over the years. Otherwise, I still hate you. Your films are the Hollywood equivalent of the World Wrestling Federation. I'd bet you'd pump up your actors with steroids if you could get away with it. Your films are dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. They're fun, true. But they are dumb. So while I smile as I watch celluloid Mack truck robots punching each other, I get ever so slightly dumber at the same time. (And believe me I can't afford to get much dumber!)

Mr. Bay, I'm sure, I'm just sure, that you have it in you to be better than this. Your movies are usually kind of fun (The Rock? Kind of fun. Dumb, but fun). There's always a lot of entertainment value in your films. But like a folding chair being slammed over the back of the Iron Sheik in the wrestling ring, there's not much being contributed to society through your crap. Your movies are vibrant. They're loud. Often times your movies are pretty fun. What they're not, however, is good. Be better, Mr. Bay, be better. You owe us.

Remeber the 1980s Mr Bay? I'm sure you do, because you're trying your darndest to resurrect the over-the-top entertainment of that decade. Back then there wasn't much to watch except for the campiest of movie fun. Rember the Republican propaganda films Red Dawn, Rocky IV, and Heartbreak Ridge? Yeah, they were fun films. I would still watch them under the right circumstances. But they're kind of degrading to us at the same time you know? Remember Cobra, the laughably bad Dirty Harry knockoff? Yeah, it *was* fun too with Stallone strutting around in his too tight jeans, and oversized Ray-Bans, chewing on a matchstick.

I've got a feeling, Mr Bay, that 20 years from now a bunch of 40 year olds are going to look back in the same way on Transformers. Yeah, it's a fun movie, but God, is it ever a dumb movie. Everything, and I mean everything in this film is lowest common denominator adolescent fantasy. Every woman in Transformers looks and acts like a Playboy model (except that these ones actually like nerds!). The movie likes big trucks, and tanks, and fighter planes. Heck, so did I ... when I was 12. One thing I did not love so much were GM cars, and I still don't. How much did they pay you for the opportunity to transform ugly yellow Camaros into robots? No, no, don't get mad. I do recognize the camp value in ugly yellow Camaros transforming into Robots.

Here's a question, if the green movement takes off are you going to have a trasnforming Prius in the sequel? You should. It would be pretty funny. "I use hybrid technology, Megatron! Now die!"

Mr. Bay, in my showing of Transformers there were droves of gawky, geeky teen-agers and chubby 20-somethings giving each other high fives everytime a Mack truck transformed into a robot in your film. I actually appreciate being able to see that. It was an interesting lesson on psychology and sociology. So thanks. Really.

I do have to admit, Mr Bay, that the effects in your film were pretty darn good. It was pretty cool when the transformers transformed. And all of the stuff that blew up, blew up wonderfully. I'm assuming that all of the girls' boobs were digitally enhanced as well. Kudos on that too.

I hope by now that you've gotten the point that this movie is fun. And that it's also dumb. I still hate you Mr. Bay. After Pearl Harbor you should have been banned from Hollywood. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people just like you in Hollywood, so you kept making pictures. But it doesn't really matter if I hate you, does it? In the end, you won. I paid $10 for two matinee tickets to see your film. You win. I hate that you won. I hope you spend your millions on a vacation home on St. Kitts or some such, and then the island explodes in a volcanic fireball. It would be fitting if you went out in a massive explosion, I think. Okay, I'm kidding, I don't wish you dead. That's just over the top. But then again I am writing to the most over the top director in Hollywood ...

Standouts: Visual extravaganza. Dumb, fun movie.

Blowouts: Really, really, REALLY dumb fun.

Grade: B-

P.s. I hearby join the chorus of voices that is projecting Shia LeBoeuf as a major Hollywood star someday. He's pretty darn good in this film. Please don't end up in rehab, Shia. You've got talent.