SPIDER MAN 3

Director: Sam Raimi (Spidey 1 & 2, A Simple Plan, Army of Darkness)

Starring: Tobey McGuire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Thomas Hayden Church, more

There are things you can count on in this topsy turvsy world. No, not many, but a few. Death, taxes, and that Hollywood will churn out sequels until they suck so badly that people stop buying tickets. Spider Man 3 is the first puff of air in that inevitable storm of suck that will eventually pull this franchise to the ground, just like the last franchise, and just like the next franchise.

Oh, don't get me wrong, the film has its moments. It's not an awful movie, it is an awfully written movie, but there are still some good moments mixed in. The worst part is that there are a lot of obvious, major flaws in this film. That's a bad sign. I'm sure that the director, and producers realized the problems in this script before filming even began. My guess is that they also realized that you have to release sequels while the last film is still in the minds of the public. Otherwise ticket sales will be down. At least that seems to be the perception of Hollywood producers (I think they're wrong on this point, but of course it's not my money invested in these things ...).

Before I dive into the a la carte list of failures in this film, I might as well (try and) lay out the plot. Here's the cliff notes version (Warning - This will ruin the plot for you, if you actually care): Peter Parker loves Mary Jane, James Franco loses memory, Goo falls from space, Lowell from Wings becomes the Sand Man by falling into unexplained science experiment, Goo turns Peter slightly evil, Pete and Mary Jane break up, Pete dances, embarrasing Mary Jane, James Franco regains memory, Goo infects kid from That 70s Show turning him into nameless half Spiderman/half pterodactyl bad guy, Spider Man teams up with James Franco to fight Lowell from Wings (not the band, the sitcom) *and* the aforementioned nameless bad guy, they kill space Goo in some trivial way, Lowell inexplicably becomes good guy, and James Franco dies.

Man, when you lay it out like that, it's even more clear how awful this story was. There are 2 villians too many in this film (at least). In the villian list we have: Spider Man himself (infected with Space Goo), the Sand Man, Topher Grace, and James Franco. That's a lot of bad guys. And not a one of them makes the slightest bit of sense in this film. In a way, the Space Goo itself is the big villian in this film, but for some strange reason the Space Goo is never even mentioned. I'm serious. Not once. We see it fall from the sky. Peter Parker sees it infect him, so does Topher, but they never once mention it. It's as if Space Goo is so commonplace in their worlds that it's nothing of note. Sure, it might have been a metaphorical image for each of our own personal dark impulses. As it turned out it was just silly Space Goo. Awful. Just awful.

The worst of this, however, is just how jolting the bad writing of this film is when contrasted with the suberb screenplay for Spider Man 2. That film might have been the best written summer blockbuster in a decade. This film probably wasn't even the best written summer blockbuster of the weekend it was released.

I believe that Raimi has already signed on to direct a Spider Man 4. In modern memory there aren't a lot of examples where franchises have failed, and then been rejuvinated. There are far fewer that have been reborn with the same director at the helm. As a matter of fact I can't think of a single example. Best of luck to you Mr. Raimi.

Standouts: The evil Peter Parker was funny. Kirsten Dunst is still cute. I like Thomas Hayden Church even though his character here was lazily written. One scene was filmed in Cleveland. Go Cleveburg!

Blowouts: Script, script, script and script. If it isn't on the page, it's not magically going to make it on the screen.

Grade: C-